Michael Bay diarrhea
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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