My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
