Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
