Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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