if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
