I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
