i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
