I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
