he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
