I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
