They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
