You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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