I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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