for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I still have a little drunk in my system
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
