never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Help me help you realize you are a moron
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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