just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
