So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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