im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize