i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
did i just pee glitter
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
