You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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