You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Randomize
