If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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