Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
