We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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