I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
