dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize