Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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