That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
