your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
