you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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