Sry I called you an 8
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
