Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
