tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
