Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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