The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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