Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
