i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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