Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
