Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
