Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
