he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
