I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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