I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Sorry about my life...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
