My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
