Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
