I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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