Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
operation harelip BJ is a go
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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