I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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