I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Help. Why am I so naked?
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