I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
