the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
