a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just tell him i said nine months
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
