why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
