then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
