I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
