I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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