went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
