I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize