booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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