Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
They are going to name an STD after you.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
