I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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