at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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